The Mistress' Diary

It’s your turn. After searching high and low, you’ve found the Domme that has everything you’re wanting. Beautiful, terrifying, skilled in the kinks you’re most desperate to explore. But that leaves one final question: how do you proceed?

Fortunately, it’s only as difficult as you make it to be, and can actually be done rather quickly if you know how to approach Us. So I’ve created this short guide — a list of things to make sure to always consider and apply to your contacts. These are all non-negotiables to ensure that you’re immediately on the good side of a Domme and make a good first impression:

• Visit Their website & applying to submit:

Whether on a booking/advertising site, social media, or through searching on Google, the Dominatrixes that want to play with you directly should always have a website. Not just a Telegram. Not just a Twitter. But a legitimate website with a business email to reach out to them. This website will tell you everything you need to know — how to contact them, how to apply to be seen, their rates, their offerings, etc.

This is where you’ll have to do something that plenty give up on: reading (pearl clutch!). However, let Me put it into perspective for you: twenty minutes of combined time to apply and type out those emails is nothing compared to the time that I’m about to spend planning an amazing experience for you, dolling Myself up, setting up the session location, transportation, etc.

It may seem boring to you, but following directions should excite you! Imagine the build-up in the steps you have to take to get to see Me. The excitement in the wait while I’m eyeing you up (read: reading your application) as My prey. Anticipation is all a part of the fun, all a part of the mindfuck. Look at it as such.

Once you’ve applied, it’s important to always send a follow-up email. Some of Us utilize application systems that might not immediately alert Us of your entry. This is also a perfect opportunity to include any and all questions you may have.

• Be realistic in pursuit of your approach:

No, She’s not actually going to castrate you.
No, She’s not going to have ten men lined up to use you.
No, She’s not going to drain you of all your blood.

Fantasies can run into extreme territory, and replicating them 1:1 can sometimes become impossible. It’s not just a matter of hard limits, but a matter of legality. A Domme will not throw Her entire career on the line to humor a fantasy that could put Her behind bars.

However don’t get discourage. That doesn’t mean there aren’t ways to roleplay this within a scene! We’re fairly creative beings; We toe the line of fantasy and reality all the time. So while We cannot get to the literal epitome of your fantasies sometimes, give Us the opportunity to theme your experience close to it.

• Keep your email to Her reasonable and realistic:

This is to all the men who can often yap themselves into a spiral in the interim of applying and far too often it causes them to up and quit before they get their foot in the door.

Every Domme that you approach keeps a busy life. Friends, family, partners, perhaps another job, hobbies, gym life, playthings other than you… make sure you are concise with what you want. Overthinking your approach and trying to supplement it with more typing is one of the worst things you can do to yourself as well. I like a good balance of flowery talk and waxing rhetoric, but I also like a sub that has at least some idea of what they want.

It is for these reasons that emails that read like your college thesis, and emails that are as short as “u avail?” (We do get these from time to time) often go without a response. The latter will never receive an audience, but the former We can sometimes handle and break down… for a price. Sending the Domme a gift from Her wishlist or a tribute can help properly cover the time it takes to answer 20+ questions.

The problem is never about you having too many questions or too many concerns. That’s what We’re here for. And We know it can be scary to finally seek Us out. But Our time is precious and must be treated as such. In My own practice, a tribute or gift shows respect for the time spent, or requesting a short phonecall on websites like SextPanther or Niteflirt can be a perfect opportunity to discuss more in-depth details of play. Plus, My voice is perfection — it’s truly a win-win.

Once you’ve received a response and an approval to carry on with screening, make sure your information and means of doing so are exactly to the letter of what She asks for. This is not just for Her safety, but yours. I do not take kindly to the clients that balk at the thought of sending ID if they have no verifiable recent references. Your reputation is not worth My years I’ve put into a very pristine career and reputation within My community to put yours at risk, trust Me. You are not that special in that regard.

• Know to some degree what you are looking for:

Your fantasies may not be the easiest to translate into real play. You may not even know all the way what you are looking to experience while with Me. That is totally normal. What a Domme will not do is play 20 Questions with you to try and guess.

Look over the list of offerings a Domme has. If nothing there sticks out to you, then contacting that particular Domme isn’t for you. If you peruse every Domme that interests you and through all the diverse lists nothing sticks out to you at all, a BDSM provider is probably not the best thing for you at all. That could be an indication that porn could be the only vehicle effective for you to explore yourself — no shame in that!

My best advice is to look at the porn I know you have to have consumed before contact. To look at the sources of BDSM information you may have read over once or twice. If things make you twitch, or make you excited, write them down!

A similar litmus test can be used when thinking of limits. There are soft limits (things you can only do or want to do in certain circumstances, with certain moods, or hell, or even when the moon is in the right phase in the sky), and there are hard limits (things that you never wish to experience, big no-no’s, danger Will Robinson!). If you see an act that automatically makes you uncomfortable or repulsed, write that down.

• Remember that this is a Dominatrix, not an escort:

The vast majority of Dommes do not offer sexual contact of any choice. If that is something you do require in order to see Us, consider looking into escorts that have kinky side offerings to go along with your experience. Trust Me, there are so many.

This also means that you are not entitled to release at the end of your experience. I personally find denial incredibly hot and self-gratification only worthy of those who earn it, and unless a sub has indeed earned My favor through the experience or booked Me for long enough, I will not be allowing anything beyond you stroking yourself to completion. You are here for something different than normal sex, for experiencing the control of another. Therefore your orgasm may not be a part of that.

Dommes will normally never take handjob sessions.
Dommes will normally never put their mouths on your genitals.
Dommes will normally never let you fuck them in any way.
Dommes will normally never let you “orally serve” them.

Unless you see these offerings on their websites, do not ask if you can have them. And do not ask if you can pay more to get them either. Our limitations are there for a reason and We do not have a buy-out price. If you ask for any of these things, you have already ruined your chance.

Apart from these options, I personally also do not offer sessions that are simply edging. I know of the control element of it, but I find it incredibly boring. And the men who write “JOI” as the sole option on their applications (this has happened in the double digits worth of times in My career) deserve to step on Legos or a D-4 die.

• Have patience:

This is one of the biggest reasons why same-day offerings are so rare. Our phones aren’t glued to Our hands all day, and sometimes We may be unable to reach you for hours after you respond.

This is why We are favorable toward those that do one profound thing: plan their pleasure ahead of time. We may be able to cobble something together if We have the time, but it will often mean a scene is nowhere near as good as it could be if given more time.

If you find yourself contacting any provider, not just Dommes, and are irritable when you don’t have a response within an hour or two, I recommend sticking to porn and the instant gratification of that. Dommes and other SWers are human beings with full plates. Patience and respect get you your room on that plate.

• Bring appropriate payment & consider bringing a gift:

Any Domme you see will have Her own list of protocol when it comes to deposit and the remaining tribute (or “roses,” if you’re of the generation to remember that terminology) to cover the session on the day of. Make sure that you have those ready to be sent and organized before contacting to book and seeing Her respectfully.

While not mandatory, bringing a gift will earn you high marks with her immediately. Something as simple as flowers with the remainder of your tribute can bring an instant smile to Her face, but if you are uncertain, perusing Her wishlist can give you a great idea on what to bring.

Personally, I enjoy a good visceral horror book, bottles of sparkling wine, or even a piece to add to My kinky and non-play wardrobes, but each Domme will have Her own desires. Again, it is not mandatory, but it is very much treasured and puts you on the “good boy/girl” list instantly.

• Be willing to accept rejection:

Rejection never feels good, but it is unfortunately a possibility in finding the right Domme to play with.

Whether it is due to lack of access or gear, time and physicality needed, etc., there may be the chance that you will not be seeing a Domme you have your eyes on.

Should that discourage you? Absolutely not. Simply thank Her when dismissed and maybe even ask for recommendations on Dommes that would happily offer what you’re looking for. Often, a Domme will be thrilled to connect you with someone in Her circle that can help.

Now let’s say you didn’t hear back from Her at all and it’s been several days, it may be worth it to send a follow-up email. If there’s still no response, the chance is high you either were incomplete or did something wrong. I will always explain to those that complete My application process to the letter if it’s not a match. The ones I ignore are the ones that have deserved it.

Do not attempt to get pushy and aggressive.
Do not attempt to barter your way to have Her limits reconsidered.
Do not try to barter Her rates.
And if you are blocked, do not attempt to circumnavigate those blocks.

These things will often get you blacklisted in the community. Believe Me when I say this: We talk. We warn. We keep each other safe because We have to. It would be wise to show grace and look for the right match, than to make it clear that you feel entitled to Our bodies and labor. We may be whores, but We are whores with autonomy and limits.

That’s a lot of reading, wasn’t it? I know it was wordy, but believe you Me, it will take you a tremendous way when it comes to finally reaching out to the Domme of your dreams.

However, a final abridged list of do’s and don’ts for seeing a Domme:

DO your research on Her and Her offerings.
DO NOT write a thesis and 100 questions without compensating Her time.
DO follow directions on Her website and be detailed.
DO NOT leave your application or email scant and careless.
DO consider bringing a gift to impress Her.
DO NOT try to buy consent to disregard a limit of Hers.
DO have patience.
DO NOT send 10 more emails in a day.
DO keep yourself grounded in reality.
DO NOT be entitled to Her body.
DO utilize Her online contact offerings to discuss details of a session such as Niteflirt or SextPanther calls.
DO NOT ask about anything in-person in text or DM form on these websites (note: this can get us kicked off online platforms).

And that seems all there is to it. All that’s left to do is put yourself at Her whims, try to relax, be yourself and have fun. BDSM is a liberating, delicious opportunity to explore a side of your sexuality in a safe, accepting, clean way.

Have any questions? Please feel free to leave them in the comments and I’ll attempt to further elaborate on points I made or extend on others. I may even edit this to add more.

Good luck, pet! You’ll be just fine.